Sunday, October 23, 2016

||On Looking Back and Moving Forward||

I've always seen myself as the girl I've never wanted to be.
The Fat girl.
The Unpopular girl with no friends.
The Not-Very-Good-at-Sports girl.
The Weird Girl.
The Ugly girl.
The Unloved Girl.

Me in 2007
I've been the girl that makes sure that my clothes are loose enough that no one can see any roll or bulge.
I've been the girl who is constantly worrying that people won't like me because I have bad skin and have always and even now is constantly struggling with weight gain and loss.
I've been the depressed girl who struggled with suicidal thoughts in high school.
I've been that girl who looks at herself in the mirror and puts herself down.

"No one will ever love someone as fat and ugly as you!"
"Why do I even bother trying my best when my best is clearly not good enough?!?!"

It's not that I've never tried to do better, to lose weight, it's just hard for me when all I hear and see and feel because of the world is "you're not good enough!"  
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Life has been a constant struggle.
Until Now.
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Sure, I still struggle with many of these things-thankfully the depression is not as bad-but as I've gotten older, I realized that it's silly to let others around determine how I should feel, how I should look, how I should act.
I am not who I am determined on other people's decisions, words, or ideas.
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I AM NOT DEFINED HOW I AM BECAUSE OF THIS WORLD.

No.

I am defined by how I act in this world through the way I act, thanks to my parents raising me well.
I am defined through my manners from a mother who homeschooled me and taught me to behave, to respect my elders, and to make decent conversations with people of all shapes, colors, statuses, and rank.
I am defined by the way that I dress, by reserving the most intimate parts of my body for special eyes only-that have yet to come-and to respect my body through dressing modestly.
I am defined by how I work to keep healthy, not constantly worrying about my weight, but by accepting the fact that I am a bigger gal, and while I could be smaller if I wished, I can get there without worrying that I am going about it in an unhealthy way, but instead, encouraging myself and those around me to never give up.
I am defined by how I look by taking care of myself, even when doing the basic things in life, like washing my face.
I am defined in my beauty because I know that God made me this way, and that He defines who I am in my life.  I may not be the perfect, Proverbs 31 Woman, but dang it, I'm going to strive to be the best that I can be according to who I am, letting my inner beauty shine in more than layers of makeup.
I am defined because of my faith.  Without the Sacraments, without Christ, without Mass and prayers and Confession, and everything else that goes with it, my faith would be gone.
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I may not love that my thighs jiggle, but I do love that I have beautiful, athletic calves and long legs from my parents.
I may not love that I am bigger than I want to be, but I love that I have lost weight that I am proud of losing, because I did it through my own goals and by my own strength.
I may not love that I have crazy insane hair at times, but I love that it curls in ways that no curling iron will ever get right.
I may not love that I make mistakes I am not proud of, but I love that I have priests that I can go to confession and pour out my sins, my regrets, and feel like a weight has been lifted.
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Me Today in 2016
I love that I am not defined by the standards of this world, and I am ready and willing to move on.

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